When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.
Bernard Meltzer
In 1998 when I became a Mom, I was a photo lab technician at a small photo lab/camera store. I was under paid and under appreciated, I hoped and prayed to be a paid photographer and have the freedom to take along my sweet beautiful little baby boy. I had dreams of carrying my boy in a baby sling and taking photos. I wanted an adventure and I wanted my little family to be at my side.
Life sometimes has a way of taking the wind out of your sails and throwing you over board to either sink or swim. I knew life on my own would be hard, but I was 19 and welcomed it, dared it.
My James started having panic attacks and anxiety. It was pretty tough on us, I couldn’t help him and he felt like he was drowning. We had to make a few job changes and move to another state before we found something that made both of us feel like we were on the right path. He found his career, he found something that defines him, gives him challenges and excites him, and he kicks ass at it every day. I want that.
Yes I have challenges and excitement in my life as my boys’ Mom, but unfortunately boys get older and more grown up and don’t need you to wipe their tushies or cut their enchiladas. They learn to fly on their own, and so my full time career for the last 8 years will eventually come to an end.
I’ve been thinking about what in the world I will do when my Cameron is in high school and my older boys are all grown up with jobs/ careers of their own? I will have had a 20 year career in raising (birthing, nurturing, protecting, wiping, kissing, tickling, curing, watching, educating, hugging, directing, supporting, encouraging, assisting, disciplining, feeding, enriching, cleaning) little babies to men.
It will be a time to think of myself. Something I am not used to doing. I have a lot of interests, but when I think about the things I am good at… well, that’s harder than it sounds, almost impossible for me. I have 12 years. I am nervous and excited all rolled into one, and I have no clue what to do.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
They say “all you need is love”. And while it’s true that you need love, you need patience, understanding, respect, compassion, determination, humility and a sense of humor too. Love can take you a long way, but you need other things to feed that love to help it blossom to it’s fullest. I have love. My guys. I love my guys and they love me. I am blessed, in every way.
Woke up 7:30am.
One minute neck rub from my James.
Relieved my bladder.
Dressed.
Uncaged my Chihuahua.
Amazon hair in a pony tail.
Stiff hips descended the stairs.
Slumped on the couch.
Kick start brain. Failed.
Said good morning to my Bryce.
Mixed tuna salad for my James.
Sat down at computer, stared.
Said goodbye to my James.
Wished I had kissed him more.
Turned off the AC.
It’s 8:09 am
Made my Bryce a bowl of cheerios.
Let Tempe outside.
Put charlotte’s web movie on.
Upstairs for a blanket.
Peeked on Cameron, still sleeping.
Said good morning to my Liam.
He was cranky, sent him to eat cereal.
Snuggled with Bryce.
Discussed life and death of all living things with my boys.
Took out charlotte’s web put in chicken little movie.
Ate cereal.
Facebook, twitter, Hulu.
Asked Bryce to let Tempe inside.
Gave snack to my boys. Mojo bar.
Checked on Cameron, sigh…
Said a prayer.
Picked up Cameron, set him down on a towel.
Carefully peeled off superman Jammies.
Breathed through mouth.
Used 7 baby wipes.
Put Cam in the tub.
Hummed while washing his little body.
Dried him off, combed his hair.
Dressed him on my bed.
Said yes to Bryce.
Coaxed Cam down the stairs.
Promised chocolate (soy) milk and waffle.
It’s 12:00 pm
Took out chicken little, put in corpse bride movie.
Upstairs to fetch dirty sheets and towel.
Cam followed, and helped. I smiled.
Started the washer.
High fived Cam.
Played magnet fish puzzle with Cameron.
Laughed while he giggled.
Made another waffle.
Twittered.
Cuddled with my Trinity.
Almost fell asleep.
Tickled Cameron. Smiled.
Turned off the tv.
Talked on IM with My James. Love him. Miss him.
Made 3 lunches. PB&J sandwiches, raisins, cookie, carrot sticks with dip, vitamins.
Made PB&J for me.
Sat at the table.
Went to frig for water.
Said “enough” to boys.
Ate and watched my boys telling secrets.
It’s 1:40 pm
Told Liam to go upstairs. Used the word please.
Thanked Cameron for putting plates in the sink.
Said yes to Bryce.
Stepped in something wet.
Cleaned it up.
Broke up a fight about a monster puppet.
Calmed a toddler having a huge tantrum about frog shoes.
Realized Bryce took out corpse bride and put in curious george movie for his little brother. Smiled.
Said yes to Liam.
Thought about starting allowance for Bryce and Liam again.
It’s 3:25 pm
Gave snack to my boys. Yogurt and string cheese.
Ate yogurt raisins.
Told Bryce to move his shoes off the stairs.
Read my book. (Brother Odd)
Talked to my James on the phone.
Read my book.
Welcomed my James home with a kiss and a hug.
Read my book.
Cooked Dinner. Meatloaf, yams and corn.
Dishes.
Opened the door for James.
Talked to my Liam about how I came up with his and his brothers names.
Ate with the guys.
Listened to music. She Keeps Bees. The Raconteurs.
Watched boys dance wildly.
Laughed.
Heard Cam announce “go to bed”.
Yelled at boys who hit walls.
Kissed bearded husband.
Brushed Cammy’s little teeth.
Told Bryce to brush his teeth. Used the word please.
Put Cammy in jammies.
Said yes to Liam.
Turned on hall light.
Settled Cam into his bed.
Tried to console. He’s too tired.
Laid in Bryce’s bed. Better than the floor.
Sigh.
Reminded Bryce sternly about his duty to his teeth.
Laid down.
Covered Cam with spiderman covers.
Laid down.
It’s 8:30 pm
Started to relax.
Door opened. It’s my James.
Cam asleep. Whew.
Bryce next.
Taught shower education.
Reminded Bryce that there’s no dancing in the shower.
James came in. Reminded me that I should ask for help.
Left for lotion.
Heard crying. Crap.
Gave Cam hugs and kisses.
Covered him with spidey covers.
Thunder. Damn…
Cam cried.
Picked him up.
Notified Bryce that shower time had expired.
Laid Cam down. Again.
Rubbed his head and back. His eyes closed.
Gestured to Bryce to lay down.
Kissed Bryce.
Loud thunder. Winced.
Scooped up little boy. Melted in my arms.
Took him to James. James to the rescue.
It’s 9:10 pm
Folded and hung up towel.
Changed shirt and added an old shirt of James’.
Laid down with James and Cameron.
Say anything movie.
Shared elephant figures with Cam.
Cuddled.
Movie over. James asleep.
Escorted my youngest to his bed and monkeys.
Covered him with spidey covers.
Sat on the floor. Held his hand.
He closed his eyes. I said a prayer.
Throat sore.
Waited.
Hug and kissed Liam good night.
Snuck down stairs.
Yogurt. Granola bar. Airborne.
Upstairs in the dark.
James snored. I smiled.
Changed pants to shorts.
It’s 11:50 pm
Sat in bed.
Twilight movie.
Paused movie.
Brushed teeth.
Thought vampire love is intense.
Laid down.
James woke up. Said “the thing is there”. I giggled.
Kissed him. He got comfy. I rubbed his back. He fell asleep again.
Un paused movie.
Smiled at favorite part.
Got sleepy.
Stopped movie.
It’s 12:53 pm
Checked on boys. Sleeping. Breathing.
Emptied bladder.
Turned off tv.
Let hair down.
Laid down.
Closed eyes.
Thought about what to be when I grow up…
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.
Walter M. Schirra Sr.
My chihuahua has a secret. She has shih tzu hair on a chihuahua body! It’s sad to see her precious little face swallowed by ridiculously thick hair. I have taken her to groomers for the last two years, one was good, the rest were “professionally” bad, with fees that could pay for two tanks of gas.
Before…
So me being the stubborn determined lady that I am, I decided to buy a set of clippers and do it myself. After two hours I put her on the floor, she looked at me with her “What the HELL was that about?” face. But all I could do was smile.
After…
“No photographs por favor!”
Today marks one year since our adorable, sweet, stubborn, loyal, lovable, snoring, tongue happy pug DK passed away. Very rarely does a day go by that I don’t think of him or that the kids say his name.
He was suppose to be James’ dog, but DK had other plans, he didn’t rest until he had all of us licked clean and in love with his every move. DK was most in love with our boys. He would lay beside them and cuddle and yes, again with the licking. DK was also a great friend to our other dog Tempe, sharing his bed and food dish and playing non stop with our playful Chihuahua.
When he passed, it was extremely difficult for all of us. We were in the middle of a 6 day road trip/move to Tennessee we didn’t have time to mourn our enormous loss. In the last year allot has happened, we have gotten older, wiser, and some of us taller. But we haven’t completely healed with the loss of our friend.
One day we will all go back to that grassy field in Vermillion South Dakota and let go of all the sadness, and find peace. And to the canine unit officer who had compassion for our situation, we owe you our deepest thanks and appreciation.
Cam: “What’s this come from” holding a piece of cat litter in one hand and the broom in the other.
Me: “I don’t know…” Trying to stay focused on unpacking stupid boxes.
Cam: “Ugg, stinky bigockyyyyy!”
(And for those of you that know what a stinky bigocky is, this will be even funnier to you.)
I am very blessed to have a best friend. He is a great person with a big heart, extremely talented, and has an awesome sense of humor. He is my secret weapon and my husband. He gives me hope and confidence and happiness. I wouldn’t be anyone else’s wife. I wouldn’t be our boys’ mother. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I beyond love him. ♥
